Day 1039

If there could be paradise on earth, I would suppose this place would come close. This little community runs pretty well and has a lot to offer. The people do share what they have with each other. If one has a trade that is of benefit to another he will apply his trade and receive for his or her payment, something that the other person is good at. The Barter system, as such. The credit system Ralph first told me about only applies if some on does a big job for another and that person trade does not equal out in payment. So that person is in dept to the other until he (or she) uses that person’s trade again in the future, relieving the dept owed.

Banker (or Ralph) is a lot mellower when you get to know him. He was a day trader on Wall Street and was still pretty young when the implosion started. After the banks reorganized he went in to that sector and began his climb upward as the banks were falling around him. So his back ground in the financial system gave him the experience to apply the barter system and make it fare for all. He say’s he likes seeing people work to make others happy instead of working for a quick buck (we see eye to eye on the money greed system as being on of the big evils in our previous world). When you barter with someone you better give him you best or he may not do as good a job for you, kind of a self inflicted quality control.

These people have treated me good and they treat Hope like she is a princess. She is the queen of the ball, because there are no other children here (she may get spoiled, but I can think of no one that deserves it more). Most of these people just wandered here and chose to stay. Banker had a vacation house here so when he lost his family back in New York he made his way here, and the others just gathered over time. He said he had made his fortune after most of the banks imploded during the teen years (2013-2019), like most he used the water fall of bail out money to line his pockets, he confessed it was one sin that still haunts him to this day. After losing his wife, (who was a fine Christian woman as he put it) he came here and began his search for the Lord. In his quest he found his propose, and that was providing shelter for any who happen by here. He likes to think his idea for this community is much like the first church after Pentecost, where each individual had all things in common (or share and share alike). And I have found nothing so far to dispute that point. Since I am the elder, they require no work from me, and give to me as my needs dictate, but I still help out in the fields and repair furniture as needed. If man could have contained his greed and lust, we could have been living this way all along. But we could never have enough, there was always the need for more that haunted us and eventually kills us by the millions.

If I can find any fault, it is the taking in any one with out suspicions. I have learned to be cautious by not trusting people and have them prove themselves to me. But here they take in anyone regardless. Example; they just a few days ago took in this woman and her teenage son who wandered here from the streets of St Louis. It was clear to me they are not well, but I was not sure what it was. I told Ralph not to let them come in contact with others and to quarantine them off until we were sure they were of no threat. But he would have none of it. Now people come and go from their house taking care of them, but the boy seems worst. It looks like nothing I have seen before.

I think a lot about Hope and her happiness; she should be around other children her own age. I still think the Amish would be her best bet for that, they have even kept a school system up and are the only ones I know of that are teaching future generations. So I am thinking about wintering here and try for Amish country next spring. I could use the rest and Hope should not have to walk her little life away.

Go to Day 1046

Day 1033

This is the first time since the search for Hope that I have been able to write about all that happened. I have seen more than my share of death, it effects me differently every time, some times your just to close to the situation to be able to write about it. But I will try to put these events down. Maybe it will help me to forget or at least move on. I now maybe have a small understanding of what soldiers went through after they come back from war, witnessing much death is not good for the human soul. You either hold it deep with in and act as if nothing happened or become cold and bitter. I have chosen to write about it to you, my past self. Since you will never read it, I can rest assured I’m not burdening you with more that you can handle.

We left the settlement and headed east on bicycles, it was Banker and I that took this route as others went in different direction. There were eight search parties in all, two to each. One gun was issued to each party, since we knew they had my gun, no one wanted to be unarmed. Banker was carrying a 300 weatherby magnum, it was made for very long distance shooting, but it was all that was left and he said he like the gun. Some search parties went in directions they had seen the couple go before when they wanted to be alone. I was hoping my hunch was right and they went east on I-64. We got back to the camp and look around in more detail to see if we saw any signs of which way they might have headed. There were none. Banker saw how distress I was and suggested we ride on in the same direction, just to see if we saw any thing (or maybe he was just trying to keep me busy). We rode on for what seem like days, but it was only an hour and a half at the most. Just as we had decided to turn around I saw something in the brush, it was Hope’s hat. I picked it up and stuffed it in the basket on the back of the bike and we rode on, this time a little faster. I began to see signs of something being dragged on the side of the road, like someone had pick up a stick and was dragging the point in the dirt; I think it was Hope, trying to leave bread crumbs. She may not be able to speak, but she is not dumb, she is a smart one, how else would she have survived in a house all alone for a week with her dead mother.

The trail got heaver and more frequent. Some times it was part of a torn dress, other times it was a turned over rock. We then found a place where they had stayed the night. So they could not be far now, since we are riding and they are walking. We knew we could be up on them at any moment. We came to an exit off the highway and I decided to go up and take a look in the abandon convenience store of the highway exit. As I got to the door it was ajar, so I pulled out my pistol and ease in the door. I heard some scurrying sounds so I turned to look down the isle; then I heard someone behind me. I turn around to come face to face with my own rifle. Drop it was all I heard, so I let the pistol slip from my hand. “You’re a hard headed old bastard aren’t ya” I heard the woman say. She was standing behind the man with the rifle, holding on to Hope. “I told you, you should have but a bullet in him” she said again. The man responded; (but never took his bead off of me) I said I would help you, I did not say I would kill anyone. It was then I got the following idea, I said; Son have you fired that rifle? No, but I know how, so stay put! Do you now, I continued; well if you had fired it you would have realized it will not shoot? How stupid do you think I am old man, why would you have a rifle that does not shoot! I sure you very bright (I said as I walked towards him), bright enough to know that I would not leave a gun lying around children with out it being safe. What are you talking about and stop where your at. But I kept creeping forward, I saw with my peripheral vision, that Banker was just out side the front store glass window and already had his gun train on the man, moving forward was a risky move but it kept his attention on me. I was now almost close enough were all I had to do was lean forward to rest my head on the end of the barrel. I spoke again; that’s right I remove the firing pin every night, its right here in my pocket, so you see the only working gun around here is the one that is pointed at you right now. When I said that it caused something I did not count on, the woman pull hope closer and pulled out a knife and rested it at Hopes throat.

I had done it, I made it worst, now Hope was in more danger and it was all because of my stupidly. Banker whirled the gun around and pointed it at the woman and yelled, Janice you don’t want to hurt that child, I will shoot. She then said; I know better Banker Ralph, you don’t have the guts. The man had not realized what the woman had done and tried to turn to look, that is when it all slowed down. Once his eyes were off me, I reached up to grab the gun, when I did he pulled the trigger and the muzzle blast hit my left ear full force, that last thing I heard was the bullet spining past my head. This startled Banker and he shot towards the woman and Hope. Both hit the floor. While the hot barrel of the rifle was still in my hand I took the butt of the rifle and jam it in the man’s face; he hit the ground as well. I then ran towards Hope, she was lying so still, I prayed that God would not ask this of me again, I did not know if I could bare any more death. I pulled the woman off to the side to get her off of Hope. She was dead shot in the chest full force with a gun not meant to be used at this close range. I picked Hope up she was covered in blood, but she looked up at me as if to say, I knew you would come. I took her out side and wiped off the blood as much as I could while she kept her arms around my neck.

We are now back at the settlement, Banker as his people have taken real good care of us. The hearing in my left ear is gone, but I don’t need it any way I have heard enough for one life time. Hope and I communicate just fine and if any one else has something to say to me they just have to talk to my right side. Banker has been very distraught over killing the Woman, he had no intentions of firing, it just happened. I have tried to console him, as have the people of this fine community. But it will take time; he has been on his knees a lot asking for forgiveness. I know God has forgiven him, he has just got to believe he is forgiven, that is the hard part for so many. The young man ran off, we have not seen him since. Come to find out, the woman had lost her daughter about ten years ago during the fall, Hope reminded her of her little one that had been tagged at birth and died at the age of six. The mind of a mother that lost her child to a decision she made, must have been a tormented one, I guess seeing a child again pushed her over the edge.

I have thought about staying here with these people that helped me out when I needed it. Good people are hard to find any more, especially ones that will go out of their way to help a stranger. I need a few more days rest, to get my balance back, seems loosing your hearing affects your balance more than you would think. So I will ponder over the notion about settling down here, for Hope’s sake. This may be the end of my walking; it may just be the end.


Go to Day 1039

Day 1027

I woke up under a pile of leaves, limbs and brush. My head aching and blood from my head was all over my shirt. Once I came to my senses I realized Hope was gone. The tent had been broken down and tossed in the brush along with my backpack; the whole camp had been covered up so it looked as if no one had been there. My rifle is gone, but most everything else in the backpack is still there, including the pistol I had sewed in the lining, for back up. Now is one of those times it will be needed. I can only conclude that the people we stayed with the other night have come and taken Hope and left me for dead, I’m just lucky they did not use the rifle to finish me.

I spent the rest of the day backtracking to where we had stayed the night before. I was dizzy and wobbly on my feet, but I had to try and get Hope back. My life is worthless to me, always has been, but I will fight for my family. Through the years I have battle countless demons in prayer and in the latter year’s even people at gun point for the sake of my family. No one threatens my family that in turn does not bring rage from me. I have known her for less the two weeks, but that little girl is my family now and I will get her back or die trying.

I arrived back at the little settlement as everyone was bedding down. I crept around the houses undetected looking for any sign of Hope, there was none. I finely went to Bankers house and snuck in and found his bedroom. His snoring kept him from hearing the floor creek as I knelt by his bed. But he heard the sound of the hammer as I pulled it back on the pistol next to his temple. When his eyes focused on me, I asked: where is my Granddaughter? He spent the next few minutes stuttering and trying to convince me he did not know what I was talking about. I don’t know why, but I believed him. He lit a few lamps as we talked. He told me he had seen nothing unusual the last two days since we left. And he has not seen Hope, which means I have wasted a day getting back here. I told him all about what happen and he insisted he would do what ever he had to, to help.

After getting dressed he went out side and he rang a big dinner type bell that hung on a post, he said they used for emergencies. Everyone in the community woke up and came running and assembled in front of Bankers house. After Banker told everyone what had happen, there was genuine outrage among the group. Then it was discovered that the women that kept trying to talk to Hope was not among them. In fact no one has seen her or her boy friend the last few days. One said he was told they were going on a hunting trip. But Banker said that was impossible because he kept all the guns at his house and only issued them out when they were being used for hunting, and he has given no guns out to anyone.

It is the wee hours of the morning now as I write this; all I can think of is Hope and how she watched with those big innocent eyes as I wrote like this just the other night. Banker and his people are getting things ready to send search parties out in all directions, he and his people have vowed to help me find her; they are good people. I found out that the woman has only been livening here for about six months and has drawn the admiration of one of the younger men, who followed her around like a puppy doing any thing she asked. Banker and some of his group have bicycles and few have hoarse. I have decided to try going back to the camp where we were and see if I can find a trail from there, I think that is my best bet. If they did not come back here then they are heading off on their own and would have kept going in the best direction away from this place. At least I pray I’m right. Banker and I are taking bicycles, it should not take us long to get back to the camp.

It is almost dawn…….what is Hope seeing now? I wonder, is she okay? Please God let her be okay………


Go to Day 1033

Day 1025

I was heading across on I-64 towards Kentucky when just outside of Mt Vernon Illinois we ran into a small colony of people. This little community is a collection of people from differnt areas. Either by accident or design, they seem to have one thing in common, they are all Christians (or so they say). There is a leader (there always is): he is one of those charismatic kind of people; he hit me wrong right off. The first words out of his mouth when I met him were; Sir, do you know Jesus? I said point blank back to him; Son I knew him before there was a twinkle in your dad’s dinkle. He stood there for a minute (as his followers look at him for a response), and then slap me on the shoulder and said to all around, I think I ‘m goin’na like this guy. You know (my past self); we have met our fare share of Christian’s that are over the top. There is nothing wrong with being zealous for the Lord, but I am always a little cautious when it comes to “in your face believers”, I guess I have seen too many with hidden agendas in my time. I think Hope felt the same way, because she never left my side the whole time we were with them.

After my little test with Banker (their leader). I say test because I threw the whole crude comment out there to see if I would get a lecture, anger or a prudish look from him. I thought he handle it well, even if it was some what of a show for those standing near. They ask us to stay the night with them and share a meal that evening (seems they raise their own food on clean land as they call it). I could see no harm in them, so I agreed (or maybe I just wanted to eat something someone else had cooked for a change). I could tell Hope was very skittish and not comfortable at all, so I let her hang on my britches leg (like she was already doing) and did not try to force her to be friendly. One of the women took an interest in Hope and tried on several occasion to draw her out, but Hope would have no part of it.

We ate at one long table outside; there were around twenty to twenty five in all (that I saw anyway) that came to the meal that night. After Banker offered a long preachy prayer, we ate. I listen to Banker go on and on about his little commune and how they all came together after the great fall. According to him it is share and share alike in this little society, each person does their part. And I found out Banker is a nick name, his real name is Ralph. They call him Banker; because he controls the credits people earn by doing their “so called” part (you can call it credits or money but its all just one step away from greed). I asked; what happens if a person refuses to do there part? Oh, we have ways of dealing with it, he said; but so far there has been no need. I asked; have you had any witch trials yet? But the reference was lost on him. I excused myself and went on talking with him; and the rest of the evening was pleasant. They put us up for the night in one of the old homes nearby, and furnished us with water to bath in. The woman that took a shine to Hope wanted her to stay at her house, but I insisted she stay with me. I told her; my Granddaughter (I said it like that so they would not question why she was with me) has been very shy since she lost her mother. That seemed to pacify the woman enough that she left Hope along, a little.

The next morning we got up and headed on. Banker asked if we would like to join his community; but I declined and told him we are headed back home. We have put about 10 to 15 miles between us and them. The nights are getting cooler and I am worried about getting to Pennsylvania before it gets to cold. To get there I will be heading back up north and breaking one of my rules; staying south in the winter time. There are some Amish in Mississippi, in the county of Pontotoc. But I have not visited them in my journeys; I just remember them from when I used to work in that area. Most of the ones I have seen and visited with have been up north. I guess I better stop my writing for tonight. I told Hope about how I bury what I write in a can and told her all about time capsules and stuff. So now she is sitting across from me rolling a can back-n-forth in her hands like she can’t wait to bury what I’m writing. Simple task sometimes thrill a child. I feel bad about my suspicions of the people back there; I guess I’m just made that way. They were friendly enough I guess, maybe a little too friendly………...


Go to Day 1027

Day 1020

The walking has been slow, we should have already gotten to St Louis but we are still about another days walk away. We, it has been a long time since I used “we” in a sentence. Quite little Hope has slowly come out of her self a little each day. She walked so sad at first, her little head hung low as each step seemed to weigh a thousand pounds. Our first few days together she stayed right up under me, like she was afraid I was something she had made up or that I would disappear at any moment. Now I think she knows I will be here, so she is beginning to relax. I wonder why she can not talk. She can hear find and understands that I call her Hope; she has not offered to correct me. She makes no gestures or sign language, she speaks with her eyes. I know when she’s hungry, sleepy and when she has to go to the bathroom, other than that I guess she has nothing to say. She is an enigma to say the least.

We found a couple of stores along the way and have been able to outfit her with all she will need to walk beside me. I found her a little girls dress, (kind of a frilly thing, that she will not take off), and she found a hat to wear, it makes her smile. I guess she should wear jeans, but the dress and hat seem to make her happy. I am well stock up on bug repellent, so I keep it on her as much as she allows (she doesn’t like the smell) any way it’s getting later in the year and the bugs are not as bad. We found a pond to bathe in the other day (I was well pass due), so we cleaned up. She takes to the water like a duck and finds much joy in splashing me. She treats me like she has known me forever (like a soul I have encountered before). After bathing her and knowing how trusting she is of me, I don’t think she had ever been abused. I was a little worried about that, not knowing the history of what actually happen with her mother. But it seems she has lead a normal little girl life (as normal as it can be in this world).

I have decided to try and find the Amish and see if they will take her in. I think it would be her best chance at growing up and having some what of a life. I am too old for her to stay with me, my time could come and she would be alone. I’m going to turn onto I-64 and head towards Kentucky and on to Pennsylvania, where I have seen them before. I just got to remember the town.

I had forgotten the joy of a child, how they can brighten a day. As we walk along she skips down the road in front of me like she is dancing on the wind. She pulls flowers from the grass and looks at them as if they were jewels. When a bird takes flight after we have scared it from the brush, she points and looks back at me like she has discovered the moon. At night her eyes sparkle by the fire light as they get heavy with sleep. When I put her in the tent at bed time she looks at me, eyes filled with a child's wisdom, she wraps her arm around my neck as if to say thank you, if not, I love you. She goes to sleep in peace.

To be a child again, maybe that's what heaven is like…………..


Go to Day 1025

Day 1014

The last few days have proven to be more than I bargain for, if I knew this was going to happen I might have walked I-74 instead. But I guess it was meant to be, something God had planed for me to do and who am I to question Him.

I am outside of Springfield IL right now it is late at night as I write this by fire light outside the tent while it is quite. I wanted to get down the events of the last few days before I forget. I was walking down I-55 headed towards Springfield going through a little community known as Williamsville (it caught my eye for obvious reasons). When I heard a rustling in the tall grass off the highway. I thought it was an animal (a rather large one from the sound of it), so I pulled out my rifle and stood still. It was coming towards me what ever it was and I thought that strange because most animals would have pick up my sent by now and ran. Suddenly out of the tall grass appeared this little girl, she look to be about five or six years old. She saw me but was not surprised by me at all, because she headed straight for me in a run. I was so shock I did not know what to do and before I knew it she was hugging my leg. She was crying and shuddering at the same time. Still in shock I put my rifle up and tried to kneel down towards her, but she would not let go of the death grip on my leg. Finley after some time of patting her on the back in a comforting way trying to stop her from crying, she let go a little and I knelt down beside her. I ask her, her name, but she said nothing. I pulled my sweat towel from my belt (a small towel I carry to wipe the sweat from my brow at times) and slowly gently tried to wipe the tears and dirt from her face.

She is a small frail thing, she has blond hair and blues eyes and snubs when she cries. I made several attempts to get her to talk but she said nothing. I stood back up to see where she might could have come from and she started tugging on my leg. I tried to ask her what she wanted but she would run a few feet away and the come back and tug on my pant leg again, so I followed her. We went back through the tall grass and up a hill to a nice house (or what once was a nice house) that over looked the highway. She went straight inside an open door, I followed and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. That smell, no other smell compares to the smell of death. She took me to a bedroom in the back and there laid a woman, dead. On closer examination the woman was in the middle of childbirth when she passed and the baby (dead baby) had been expelled between her legs. Both looked to have been dead a least a week. In my horror I failed to notice that the little girl was pointing at the woman and looking at me as if she wanted me to do something. I grab her up in my arms and took her back out side, she cried and tried to get loose, like that was not what she wanted me to do. We sat out side until she calm down, I told her that there was nothing I could do, they are both gone. I don’t know if she understood me or not, she looks like she would speak English, but I can not be sure maybe that is why she is not talking. But then it crossed my mind she would have been babbling something if she could talk at all. We sat for awhile; just sat there, she was right up under me as if my presence seem to calm her more.

I pitched my tent out side of the house and made her a pallet inside out of some bed sheets I found in the house. I could not bear to sleep in that house and the little girl had been in it too long anyway. I guessed she saw me from the house as I was walking down the road and ran out to meet me. I woke up the next morning to find that during the night she had gotten right under me and slept with her arm around my leg all night. Bless her hart I’m a smelly old man, I don’t know how she stood it, but she stayed in that house for a week, so I guess I don’t smell as bad as that. After we ate (she seemed quite happy to be eating like it was something she had not done in a long time); I spent that day digging a grave. I had prayed once that I would never have to dig another one, but sometimes prayers go unanswered (or at least not answered in a way we can understand). I wrapped up the woman and baby and placed them in the grave. The little girl never left my side the whole time. When I came up out of the shallow grave she stayed behind. I went back down and pulled her out, she started crying again, but she stood there as brave as I have ever seen any one as I covered up with dirt, who I guess was her Mom. Why God does a little girl so young and tender have to see such a sight, what kind of world is this now! Why did I have to happen along and see and do all this, have I not done enough, have I not lived to long.

We walk the next few days on towards Springfield, she has stayed right by my side; she has not shed another tear. We did not walk that much, the going has been slow together; she has still not said one word. I hear her steady breathing in the tent as she sleeps, she likes for me to leave the flash light on, (I hope that old crank flash light does not wear out). The world is quite for her now, and her sleep is peacfull. I can only wonder about what happen, where the mother, baby and this little one came from. Where is the father, was there a father or was that poor woman a product of survival, was she prostituting her self out for food and a place to live? I have seen it before; men can still be animal’s, predators even now after all that has happened. This little girl was born after the darkness fell, no telling what she has seen. The mother looked as if she died from the jump if I guessed right; I hope she does not have it……..hope! I will call her Hope, for now until she tells me different, if she ever tells me anything. But I can do more than hope for her; I will pray she will be okay and pray I will know what to do with her, I will pray hard because I don’t know what else to do!



Go to Day 1020

Day 1009

Walking is not the best way to travel in the rain and especially in a storm. I made the right decision at the right time when I got a new tent the other day in Rockford. But it will be worst for wear after this storm blows over, if it ever blows over. I have been traveling down highway I-39 towards Bloomington IL. I decided not to follow I-90 any more since it goes into Chicago (I swore I would never go into that town again), and since I trying to go further south I-39 seem to be the quickest route.

But as I got near Bloomington all hell broke loose in the form of a storm. It was on me before I knew it and it was a big one. Hard rain, gusty winds and then as I feared, a tornado. I have not been in one for a long time (just lucky I guess), but my luck ran out. I barley had enough time to find a ditch to duck into and then I crawled my way into a culvert about a hundred yards down the road. I stayed in that culvert for what seem like hours until the eye passed over. But it has left a steady rain that has lasted for two days now, two long days in a tent with nothing to do but look outside and ponder the times I live in.

Storms like these have taken there toll on this world. Tornado's, earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes, it was all we saw on the news all over the world. Some said it was a phase the earth was going through. Some said global warming, but the truth is no one knew: it was all speculation. Maybe the earth was trying to tell us something and we were not listening. We had turn a deaf ear to our planet as the population grew and man became so called smarter. Maybe the earth needed a cleansing a reduction of a certain species, like man. As you see (my past self) I can speculate too, but maybe the earth is getting ready to be born again and these are the birth pangs. There used to be smarter people than I that could go on and on about it all. Me; I’m just happy to survive today’s storm and tomorrow I will be on my way.

My biggest decision is will I walk I-55 or I-74 when I get back on the road. I-55 leads to Saint Louis and from there into Memphis. I don’t think I want to see Lake Memphis again, to many bad memoirs. I did not know, because I guess it happen after the grids went down. I was just walking down I-40 headed towards Tennessee thinking I would be hitting the Mississippi river at any time when the highway disappeared into water. And nothing but water as far as the eye could see. Then off in the distance I saw the tops of the buildings and realized what had happen. It had been predicted for years it must have finely happen. I think the big earthquake finely hit and sunk the whole town and the river just flooded it all. I use to spend a lot of time in Memphis, and I knew a lot of people that lived there, now it’s all under water. Another birthing pain, I guess......

Go to Day 1014